‘You really have no idea how big Santa’s face is, do you?’

You try to encourage your kids. But when Minnie breathlessly reveals her
latest ‘opus’ – the Super-Duper Dinky Santa beard – all we can do is sigh and
pick up the sports page, then throw the newspaper to the floor, strike the table
with our foreheads, rend our clothing, beat our faces with rattan canes, swallow
brass polish, eat our own eyeballs, light our heads on fire, cancel the cable and
toss our bodies from the balcony to the filthy street below.

Then we stick the beard on the fridge with a magnet.