‘Dear Dr. Heimlich,’

In regard to your so-called maneuver: I have heard from several sources
(Reader’s Digest, et al) that it can be used to save lives. To this, I respectfully
say HA. We just spent the afternoon earnestly and repeatedly crushing my
daughter’s ribcage (your orders), and all we have to show for it is a large bunch of
her puke. Maybe puke has life-saving properties for some people (a.k.a. bulimics),
but I need a liver transplant. If that kid doesn’t cough me up some liver pronto,
I’ll be forced to report your foreign-sounding name to the BBB (Better Business
Bureau) and quite likely the FBI (FB of I).

Signed,
David Rees Thomas