‘Things the devil made me do’

1. Neglect to water the lilies growing over the unmarked graves of
all the delivery guys I’ve ice-picked

2. Steal a newborn baby but forget to ceremonially eat it right away –
then, years later, discover a large, hairy teenager in the back of the
fridge behind an empty pickle jar

3. Promote global warming just because I’m too lazy to put on a sweater

4. Watch TEENick